I had been, subconsciously, operating at below peak physical activity for the past three weeks. I did not feel like a workout, I was tired at the end of the school day and I was not sleeping well. I / we put it down to the crazy pollen allergies I get at the change of season etc. Things turned slightly worse two days ago... blood tests confirm a mild strain of dengue. Not good. I decided to skip school today. (Infact I missed a day - day-before with chhat pooja as a co-fellow took care of my 8 kids in class). Last night I spent sometime calling parents to say I will not be in but they should send their kids the day after for sure as we have mid year assessments.
True stories:
- Ashraf's father said Ashraf will go because bhaiya comes everyday and he cannot miss school. Workaround - can Ashraf speak to you in the morning because I am away on duty right now. Ashraf did speak to me. He is shy on the phone and aorund other kids. I sat with Ashraf my very second day of school and he could not write the alphabet. I was scared I'd fail to teach him anything / leave him behind. I think he still struggles to study and comprehend me but he did an ascending order question correctly in class yesterday and he sounded very disappointed that I was not in school today.
- Sanju's father called to say he'd spoken to her but she was crying and saying that her father was lying to her. Bhaiya always comes to school. Could I speak to her and tell her it was alright and I'd be back soon.
- Prabhat, who got a message from Ashraf, called to confirm if I was indeed not coming; then said yes in response. These 'yeses' and 'nos' in English. I will tell you how much pride there is in hearing them
And then there is one line for every parent who I called, who wanted that I eat my meds and get back in class. I'd heard this stuff. I just do not think I deserve it. I am pretty mediocre teacher you know. Look at the Teach for rubric, look at some Teach for India classes and you'll know I have a long way to go.
The thing though is; I am sitting here at home contemplating Unit Plans, lesson plans, a blood test and getting myself some cold coffee. And I know I can plan the next few weeks well, organize word cards for the word families we need to do, sequence the mid year assessment sheets etc etc. But right now all I really want to do is be back in class, give my kids some colouring and watch them smile and laugh. Its going to be a very short life, 50 years, 2500 weekends someone said. And I think I'll look back here on these times thinking I was blessed to be here.
Its tough love being in class. You have so much to improve for yourself. You have no idea how to teach the kids, you call them names in your head, names outside too - lovingly with an urge that they behave well soon... but they floor you with your antics, their smiles and their unrestrained generosity. You might be dying in class but you're having fun while at it. Someone said that to me about the Fellowship once - I can see it happen now.
This post can be a little self glorifying. Its not meant to be. I just want to capture as rawly as possible about a turning point I sense in my class and myself
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