??:-S??

confused. till now i thought this was the ambit of the ordinary, the less than ambitious, the cattle. realization dawns. i was wrong. i am in the midst of it too.
the beautiful weather is back. the kind where i can sit in my balcony all day and stare into the space. i am afraid i dont have the peace to enjoy it.

it might be i need a break
life is no longer a piece of cake
the nerves are over wrought
and i seem tired.. distraught
the mind - forgetful and careless
the body - couldn't care less
reactions inane
and despair reign
i know life's not a bane
am i going insane?

i always thought tough times brought out the poet in me :D and the singer... wish others saw the writing on the wall too!

up and away

the ubiquitous application - facebook. its everywhere and starts a myriad chain of thought sometimes. i was talking to someone there, sorry, ummm posting on their 'wall' and this struck me. i've been going somewhere in life all my life. this goal, that target, that college, that MBA, that hot chick, (:D, lets keep the last one that way) etc. now for the next 2 months. its all gone. its over. i'm out. i'm going away.

i'll spend 2 weeks visiting Leh and beyond and then come back to delhi for a week before I head to Uttarkashi for a month for a mountaineering course. the lack of oxygen is unlikely to knock any worldly sense into this brain of mine. but yes, i think i'll come back happier and saner...

life cometh a circle

the good thing about having your own non readable - its my life story blog is that you dont need to justify and can type out when and what you want. so without further in i dive into the myriad thoughts that clamber all over my brain. that makes me think what my clambering thoughts would like inside my brain - ants over a mound? :)

life is funny for sure. and when it gets down to the last couple of blows it can seem a pretty mean game. you know you're down, you know you're not out but you know you're screwed and hope merges with dreams and aspirations. you look around, things could be worse but heck you say, they're not meant to be and the only way in life is to go up. achieve or die trying.

i know life is about squash games, mountains, spending time with the woman i love, sunsets and early morning coffees... but its also about doing work that earns you the former and gives you that kick to get out of bed every morning. its about passion. its about finding something you love. and i am missing that element sorely.

i loved my former job. i spilt blood for it. 18 hours on the job, 13 straight weekends at work. i worked till i bloody knew that kingdom come i had done in 1 year what a grad would do in 3. sure i screwed up. god knows i was lucky and my family understood, but i worked my butt at it. and i loved it. but i lost it and i want it back. i dont want to be bill gates, nor mr buffet. but i want a good life, a career, my ten goals to achieve. i want to travel, explore the world. do it on my dime. and my time. but its getting tough. and i dont like it. at all...

Hope

A distinct few draw it from the Shawshank Redemption... or that old fading poster on the wall. For me it is the picture above my blog. It reminds me of a 21 year old, standing next to the sea in Northern Ireland, thinking life could not get better and that if things kept on the way they were, one could conquer the world. Or the part of it that is worth doing so.

It's been homecoming weekend, (even if it came home when I lay sweat drenched on the floor next to the squash court ruing a 8-2, 8-2 thumping!) with routines falling into place, work doing the same and life outside the GMAT getting back on track after a so-so week. Old friends in town, grandmother visiting, much rumination all has helped.

It's going to be another 30 day sprint to a finish line. And it promises to be an eventful ride.

Renewed

an old friend comes to town, leads to a meeting another old group member, memories are exchanged, thoughts re thought and perspectives thrashed out. you're still discussing GMAT, career, AIESEC and DU - stuff you'd discuss everyday. but its the old buddy feeling. it leaves you refreshed.

an ode to old pals. who make this life worth its while.

Moon kissed

1, 2, 3, 4... long breath. Crunches on a late March evening as I try to get rid of the flab gained at my desk job over the past 3 months. What really strikes me every evening is the sheer beauty of where my Dad's house is located. Used to the sweat shop the office in Pune was, boss screaming on the end of the line, days that stretched into the night, the din of Mumbai over the weekend... these days in Delhi are peace that I could pay for.

Swaying trees in the afternoon breeze, squirrels and parrots chirping through the day, give way to mellow evenings with smell of wet earth as the neighbors water their garden and trees silhouetted against the moon and the Orion's belt at night.

I am sure if you spoke to my mother this peace does not reflect there, all she sees is a son racing to meet a few deadlines, juggling schedules to meet friends and someone who is always at the computer doing something or the other. What she does not know is that somehow I have found moments of peace these past 2 weeks. Maybe its a function of just being home, maybe it's the trees against the moon...

Yellow leaves falling off trees, broad tree lined avenues, morning chill and evening run, stars peeking through the trees when you lie down on the terrace. I am back. Dilli.

There is much to be said about Delhi, often a lot is and well there are quite a few valid acerbic comments that I get to read. But it's home, it's got food I like, it's a place I can figure out roads without having to ask strangers, it's a place where my ID works, where I know how to get things done, where friends stay, where gardens exist. And I might be here only for a bit. And I might as well, enjoy it to the hilt.

You can see the jaws fall in real time when you tell people that you’re going from “fast track grad executive in a tier 1 IT firm” to “jobless for 3 months with a back up plan that strings together some luck, a lot of trust and instinct”. I make it sound quite bad though, I can see why jaws fall. Ahem…

For all that is riding on me, I seem to have become adept at having a good time! From staying awake through the night chilling, driving through town at 5 am, drinking beyond the usual 2 pints, bike racing; the impending departure has brought out the hedonist in me. Yet, it sure has been fun. Coming off a long weekend trekking and climbing tall hills in the Sahayadris, jumped into Friday night visiting the old watering hole and staying up watching a movie and the weekend just went on to more old haunts, good music, friends, driving around. Stand out though was catching a coach and his protégé on a tennis court. Took me back to a cement tennis court in the hills and a podgy youngster some 12 years ago.

Tonight is going to be special too. Life is coming a circle; the man who started the “fast track grad program” at the firm is in town. So I should scram... :)

The protracted departure from Pune is taking a toll on me. Used to swift and sudden travel, knowing the fact that I have to get going, yet realizing it is another 2 weeks away is draining on the emotions. I find myself thinking wistfully about developments and instances in great detail - which is harmful, as I need and want to get a move on from here. Brainless chatter and too many teas and coffees replace the high energy work environment, tough to deal with.

The above is surprising. Just back from a relaxing break - climbed the highest peak in the Sahyadris - Mt. Kalsubai and had a lot of fun around the trip out from Mumbai. Being back in the hills in always rejuvenating, though the wallpaper back at work from the Himalayas brings back a flood of memories that is not 'dam-ed' by the Taare Zameen Pe songs.

Added to the hol, have been lucky and successful in smaller but nevertheless important things. Yet, it's still like a batsman who is promising with a string of 30something scores but is waiting for the floodgates to open and yes lady luck to smile on him.

At the end of the day though, even though a little misty eyed, I am reassured - after all I AM going home! Ha!

It's not funny how one incident or occurence can boost one's belief in chasing an objective and confidence in a goal that is certainly reckless to an extent. Good news has been flowing in from yesterday, everything is measured in a perspective that is rose tinted. pun intended.

the joys of being on the loose end with your job and boss is a much needed lazy morning, mid week. Big breakfast, nice coffee and a will to type. in many senses a calm before the storm. i move out of town in a few weeks, go back home for a while. all the same, along the way I am taking the much hyped GMAT and hoping sooner than later to crack the "perfect" internship. the logistics will get overwhelming and life as we know it, is going to change!

my emotions though seem to be confused. and it might just be the lack of exercise :) but yes, i am happy to leave town (that's something i do very well btw, used to hopping cities oftener than people like to believe its even possible) and get on with goals that are my own, however, there is this sweeping sense of nostalgia. for all my cries about bad food, poor service and being made to feel like an outsider, this is the town where it all began. here is when i moved out of home, made office pals, traveled, explored my moods, slogged like a donkey, cried, missed home, did some amazing work and now its over. somehow its taking more time to digest, though as logn ass a month ago i did my good bye tour of the city. well... i guess i reach out more than i realize :)

snap back to the day, need to "brainstorm" ( a word that is thankfully likely to disappear from my lingo) and study for a bit. you'll hear more about it soon enough, i rave anough about having to take standardized tests to tell the world i am the genuine smart ass article.

One of my favourite English teachers always said, I write very well and I should extend the art. To quote that on my own blog is hardly self effacing, yet, relevant to te point that, sometimes, I am grabbed by an urge to write. It's an outlet for a lot of random thoughts that run through the head during life and its "constructive".

Anyway, time does fly. Sept 06 to now, has seen a lot of water flow under a lot of bridges. Heavy travel, killing work, holidays, 2 new years... serving time at work and now being on the verge of hanging up my boots, London - land dreamt about, dealing with a tough boss - the never land of nightmares ;). ah...

It's in-human to expect a re cap of some 500 eventful days but reasonable to consider that, life, if better documented and captured might serve me well. The only concern is who all start reading this and as a result of which, what soup I land myself into.

However, in a token to the past, a photograph I love a lot and one that's likely to evoke many good memories. London Dec 31 2006, beside the Thames.

Never mind... cannot upload, some random problem... will try later today.